Det är på semestern allt ska ske. Den där semestern då alla böcker ska läsas, då alla relationer ska få sitt, då livet ska tillrättaläggas och huset renoveras. Goda måltider ska lagas och vi ska umgås.
Det är på semestern vi ska hinna hämta oss själv åter. Vi ska hinna meditera, börja jogga och hitta oss själva. Jag har sedan länge lagt mycket av det där på hyllan. Jag har insett att de där böckerna jag hade ambitionen att läsa inte ens blir ögnade i på semestern. Det finns inga måsten. Men fortfarande finns tankar och förväntningar om hur nya vanor ska ta form, hur insikter ska komma till mig och hur allt bara ska landa i ett svep.
På mina morgonpromenader runt sommarstugeområdet och längs stränderna låter jag tankarna komma och gå som de vill. Ofta ger en stunds andrum i skogsbrynet klarhet och insikt. Något klarnar när jag står still där och bara är. Men ibland vill det sig inte. Ibland fortsätter det grumliga vara grumligt.
Det är som med det lekande barnet i vattenpölen. I hoppandet och plaskandet rör jag upp en massa sand och grus som grumlar vattnet. Det är först när allt stillnar och blir lugnt som sanden sakta singlar ner mot botten och allt så småningom klarnar. För att det ska ske måste man orka vänta länge. Det krävs tålamod och gott om tid, utan att röra sig ur fläcken.
En vän beskrev det så bra för mig. Hon sa att vi tar våra trappsteg uppåt i vår själsliga utveckling. När vi når en ny platå är vi förundrade över hur vi kommit dit och vi tänker att oj, tänk att jag kunde komma så långt! Men steget mellan platåerna är en vandring genom mörka skogar, en oviss resa där vi stundtals inte vet varifrån vi kommit eller var vi ska landa… När vi väl kommit fram till den där nya platån är allt så självklart, skönt och bra. Men i detta nu får jag förhålla mig till det som är. Ibland finns bara väntan.
Så tar jag första steget in i den där mörka skogen igen, på god väg upp mot ännu en nivå. Den är egentligen inte så mörk, jag vet ju det för jag har vandrat genom skogar som denna förr, på väg mot något så mycket bättre. Det är bara en snårig, rörig skog där det är svårt att se någon tydlig stig eller riktning. Jag känner igen känslan och vet vad jag behöver göra. Jag behöver koll på hålla domaren, håglösheten och tvivlet, de har en tendens att dyka upp just här, när jag inte har ett stadigt fundament under fötterna. Jag är inte längre så skräckslagen som jag varit tidigare när detta händer, men det känns lite ovisst var jag är på väg med mig själv. Vad vill jag? Vart är jag på väg? Jag stannar upp. Jag andas hela andetag och sluter mina ögon.
Allt är som det ska.
Jag behöver inte göra något.
Ibland finns bara väntan.
Och det är det som är hela grejen.
296 Responses to “Ibland finns bara väntan”
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